The Psychology of Following

Why we follow, who we follow, and how it shapes who we are

Not long ago, I had over 40,000 followers across social media with very high engagement. That number used to mean something to me. At times, it felt like validation: 40,000 people wanted to hear what I had to say. Other times, it felt surreal and even unsettling—as if I were being watched by a crowd I couldn’t see.

I also was following and consuming thousands others’ content.

Recently, I unfollowed almost everyone. Not out of cynicism, but curiosity. What would it feel like to reclaim my own inputs? To silence the noise and rebuild my feed?

So today, I want to share some thoughts on the psychology of following.

Why do we follow people? Why do they follow us? And what does it say about the kind of world we want to build?

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The Origin of the "Follow" Button

The "follow" button as we know it was first introduced by Twitter. It replaced the concept of mutual "friending" popularized by Facebook and MySpace with something more asymmetrical—a one-way mirror.

Jack Dorsey, Twitter’s co-founder, described it as a way to subscribe to someone's "status updates" without requiring reciprocity. It was simple, powerful, and addictive. From that small product decision grew an entire culture of influence, hierarchy, and parasocial intimacy.

Parasocial is used to describe relationships that are one-sided. That influencer you know and love who doesn’t know you exist? This is the term for your relationship with them.

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Following Is Not Neutral

Every follow is a tiny vote. A signal of whose voice you prioritize. Whose values you align with. Whose life you want to peek into.

And it works both ways. When people follow you, it reinforces a version of yourself. The more they engage, the more pressure you feel to keep performing that version.

The psychologist Robert Cialdini, in his research on influence, describes six principles of persuasion. One of them is social proof — the idea that we look to others to determine what is correct, popular, or worthy. In the age of social media, followers are social proof.

But here's the catch: social proof doesn’t always point to truth. Sometimes it points to charisma, clickbait, or conformity.

Edward T. Welch, a counselor and author, writes: "Addictions are ultimately a disorder of worship: we worship our desires over God." In other words, what we obsess over often reveals what we revere. And sometimes, we’re not just following people—we’re following a desire to escape, to feel seen, or to feel safe.

The average person may not realize this - but many many many in the social media space buy followers. I’ve seen it done several times. So when you see that number on a profile, you cannot know whether that is real.

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Influencers as the New Clergy?

Historically, people followed prophets, rabbis, priests, political leaders. Literally, the Jews followed Moses through the desert (apropo Passover, which I am celebrating currently). Today? We follow influencers.

Researchers have noted that social media influencers increasingly fulfill roles once reserved for religious figures: offering moral guidance, lifestyle prescriptions, even a sense of belonging. A 2022 study from the University of Amsterdam found that Gen Z was more likely to trust influencers than traditional institutions, including news outlets, teachers, and religious leaders.

This shift matters. Because many influencers are not accountable to truth (not that religious leaders are either, btw). But you’d at least hope that a good religious leader is accountable to soem form of truth. But influencers who run online businesses? They are accountable to the algorithm.

As Andrew Sullivan warned: "The greatest threat to faith today is not hedonism but distraction." We no longer need temples to kneel. We scroll. We consume. We sacrifice our attention—not to gods, but to feeds.

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Cult Dynamics, Lite Edition

It may sound dramatic, but following someone online can mirror cult-like behavior: idealization, conformity, echo chambers, and the fear of dissent.

Psychologist Janja Lalich coined the term "bounded choice" to describe how people in high-control groups gradually lose the ability to think independently. When our digital feeds are curated by algorithms and filtered through influencers, our exposure to divergent viewpoints shrinks. We begin to follow not just people, but ideologies.

And sometimes, we mistake charisma for character.

John Calvin, the Protestant reformer, put it plainly: "Man's nature, so to speak, is a perpetual factory of idols." That line has stuck with me. Because isn’t that what the internet feels like now? A perpetual scroll of idols. Manufactured. Packaged. Delivered.

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So What Can We Do?

Here are 3 takeaways from this journey:

1. Audit Your Inputs

Ask yourself: Who do I follow, and why? Do they make me feel inspired, grounded, curious? Or do they make me feel behind, inadequate, angry?

Treat your feed like your fridge. If it's full of junk, you'll consume junk.

Try this: Unfollow 10 accounts today. You don't have to announce it. Just quietly reassert agency over your attention.

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2. Don’t Confuse Attention With Authority

Just because someone has 1 million followers doesn’t mean they’re wise. Or ethical. Or even informed. Ask: What are they selling me? Sometimes it's a product. Sometimes it's a worldview.

Remember: virality is not virtue.

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3. Reclaim Your Own Voice

When you’re constantly watching others, it's hard to hear yourself.

In my own journey, stepping away from the noise helped me rediscover what I value. What I want to say. Who I want to become.

You don’t have to go silent. But maybe pause. Listen inward. Then choose who to follow—and how you want to be followed—with more intention.

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One Last Thought

There is nothing wrong with following. Humans are wired for imitation and belonging. But we get to choose whether we follow out of fear or curiosity, autopilot or purpose.

And maybe the real question isn’t just Who do you follow? but Who would you be if you followed different people? Who would you be if you didn’t care yourself about followers? Who would you be if you weren’t performing for anyone at all?

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If this resonated, forward it to someone who deserves to be followed.

Until next time,

Rachel

***btw, thanks to those who email me regularly after reading these essays - let’s get rid of the parasocial component here! I read every reply.***

(Shoutout to my friend Naomi who helped me formulate these ideas & research on quotes. Next up, I plan to introduce video (long form) to this project.)